I’ve got some bad news, guys. People are trying to take our Christmas away. I don’t know who or where they are, but they want to strip us of our Christmas and leave us naked on the side of the vacation road.
Thankfully, several big businesses have decided to aid me in my War On The War On Christmas by making their stores as Christmas as possible. So, a few days ago, to the discouragement of my spouse, who begged me to not make this an issue, I drove around to inspect their efforts. This is my report from the battlefront.
# 8. Family Dollar
It’s a good sign when I walk into a store and suddenly get the biggest, most Christmasy erection that I’ve ever had.
Get ready for some tinsel, Family Dollar .
I could immediately situate where the Christmas was and how much Christmas there was to be had, since Family Dollar put it smack dab in the middle of the room. They’re clearly not ashamed to love Christmas in a Christmas-hating world, and that’s an admirable trait for any soldier to have.
And they definitely didn’t skimp on the red. Red is the true coloring of Christmas, because it was the color of Santa’s jacket, and because if you ever find yourself in a knife fight with a non-believer over whether or not Rudolph was a true story, there will be no trace that he ever leaked out.
Feeling to abide by Family Dollar’s endeavors, I texted a picture of my Christmas erection to my wife. Strangely, she didn’t reply. Oh well, on to the next store!
# 7. Dillard’s And Belk
Are you kidding me, Dillhole and B-word? Putting trees on top of things that are unrelated to Christmas does not suddenly make it a Christmas display.
No one brought Jesus modestly discounted blush, you damn heathens .
Your lack of attempt is a humiliation to every eggnog-sipping soldier of Christmas that came to the mall to be bombarded with reminders that they need to start feeling enthusiasm fast. Otherwise, their children are going to grow up resentful and agnostic.
A sparse menagerie of trees goes really well with child tears .
Get it together. I’m so mad right now that I feed the whole gingerbread cookie that I was holding, and I didn’t “ve got something to” wash it down. My throat hasn’t felt this dry since the Clarence High School 20 -year reunion, where I nervously asked Donna Bart to make out with me while my spouse, Sarah, was getting something out of the car. For the record, Donna said no, which is fine because I altogether wasn’t going to do it anyway. I’m a good spouse, and I simply need to feel appreciated sometimes, Belk. It’s like you don’t even consider that other people have feelings.
I texted my wife a picture of my disappointed, flaccid penis and drove on.
# 6. Lowe’s
It’s somehow infinitely sadder than if they hadn’t tried at all .
I have that many trees on the side of the sink in the motel that I’m staying at while Sarah “reconsiders major life decisions” — whatever the hell that means. That’s a pitiful display for a place that prides itself on “home improvement.” If they really wanted to improve homes, they’d give a free treetop angel to every customer who expended more than $75 on treetop angels. But I may be biased in went on to say that, because I could use five free treetop angels. I’m starting to think that Lowe’s isn’t doing its part in this war.
But to find redemption, all I had to do was look up toward the heavens and gaze at the wonder that they had placed, halo-like, at the upper reaches of the store.
We must pay tribute to the Lowe’s deities: inner-tube bear and snow world .
Resembling the gargoyles of Notre Dame, these inflatable titans cast their cruel gaze on everyone that simply wants to “get what they came for.” I don’t commonly promote intimidation. To influence any man, all you need is a good argument and a convincing portrait of the afterlife. But I’d be lying if I said that these lawn giants didn’t induce me want to rip my shirt off to uncover the North Pole-themed sweater underneath. The sweat that poured out of me was a sweat of intense respect.
And then I insured it …
“DON’T WORRY. BE HAPPY. DON’T WORRY. BE HAPPY.”
Is there anything that represent the vacation season better than a six-foot mounted singing bass that billows on your property like Old glory herself? I’ve cried three times since I plugged it in and set it on the other bed in my motel room, because it lets me know that, even in the darkest of times, you can count on Lowe’s to improve not only your home but your spirit . I’m gonna text that to Sarah, along with a picture of my spiritually rejuvenated penis.
# 5. Target
The whole thing is slathered in crimson, as if it was pulled from the burst heart of the Earth to deliver good cheer to all. I knew that Target, even if it didn’t gives people what I specifically wanted( enough adornments to make me feel whole ), would at least set me in the mood to go to Family Dollar again.
If you’re going to go with a theme, you have to go all the way with it. You have to ride that rocket until it goes over the moon or makes the ground. When I first saw a little robot dog butt sticking out of a little robot puppy box, I was sold on the concept.
How much for both halves? I swear I’ll leave the premises if you give me each for a reasonable cost .
Target was also sold on the concept, since they are put this puppy everywhere . And what started off as a little butt sticking out of a package erupted into a parade of fantastical personification. Appear at him shooting a rabbit and clothes out of some kind of cannon.
It’s important that, when a puppy first strolls on his hind legs, he learns how to operate weaponry .
Dogs can’t do that in real life, I’m almost certain. But, like Frosty, Trigger The Target Dog has been brought to life and seems intent on trying out all of the holiday customs that we humen take for granted. Customs like assembling makeshift cannon meant to fire household items and small herbivores. Then he’ll go back to being a regular puppy, I imagine, since sorcery was invented by J.K. Rowling to get children interested in having premarital, homosexual relations. Magic will do nothing but disillusion and leave you, younglings.
He skied …
Mobility train is also important, to help you reach your targets .
… and he shot presents at a reindeer that had apparently been caught in a vulnerable position.
After the lessons are finished, the hunt begins .
He eluded the laws of gravity to run snowboarding …
This puppy does not give a shit about any secular “science.”
… and he flew in an airplane!
Fuck you, Snoopy !
Finally, I assured him riding in a creamy mug on a display that was meant to look like it had come out of the ceiling.
Fuck you, Starbucks! Where are your red cups now ?
I couldn’t be more proud of how far Target had come from the simple red walls of eight minutes before. Slicing through the man-made constructs of the roof like the goddamn rapture, here was a dog enjoying a pet-sized gallon of hot chocolate. I caroled for half an hour before I was removed from the building. Not for caroling, but for taking pictures of my pride-swollen penis.